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The New Vicar
Bio The New Vicar was a monologue performed by Benny Hill on December 17, 1975. It is remarkably similar to Birds and Bees from March 11, 1970 with the same impish character in front of a pastoral backdrop. Lyrics (Note: The accuracy of these lyrics are a bit in doubt.) That new vicar up in St Paul has done talked a lot of rubbish. He calls his skinny wife my lovely Helen. She parades around in fancy clothes like she's got a nasty smell underneath her nose, And half the time, he looks like what she's smelling. In the Square last Saturday, he says, "I'm starting a charity for the less fortunate brethren of our town. "People who have had a cushy life like you have duty to do so I hope you idle rich will not let me down." I say, "Hang on a minute, old chum! My dad had to brink me up in a shack near Reading. The day I was born I had calluses on my hands from trying to hang out till after the wedding. We never got any fancy dress clothes, Or came out smelling like a rose formed from some high-class nurse or nanny. My dad worked in the pits, and he came out covered in soot and grit. Until I was 12, I thought he was a Pakistani. He'd came home at half past eight and got a bath in front of the grate in the kitchen with his clothes on all over the place... He would stand there naked as can be, And my mum would start crying because she could see ruination staring her in the face. I remember my mum one day my Auntie Jean just passed away. She won't be staying the weekend after all. So, you better go pop down to the corner shop and ask if they'll take back the old toilet roll. Just a week ago, my half-sister Flo at the same time got lockjaw and whooping cough. We got her down to rub her back down with alcohol, And she nearly broke her jaw trying to suck it off. There's my old Cousin Hugh trying to make a buck or two. Trying to scrape the barnacles off the boats and barges. And Old Arnie Moore got this thing called a hearing aid. So the dirty swine reversed the charges! There's my young nephew Ron; he's trying to on. He got caught with his boss's wife. They was kissing. That little twit was like a snake hissing in the pit. And I knew him when he didn't have a pit to hiss in. There's my poor Cousin Harry's wife has started living an immoral life. The first night out was something very sordid. He came home with a hundred quid and fifty P. And Harry asked quite naturally, "What'd you do with the fifty P?" She said, "We all did." And my poor Auntie Vy still has to economize. Right back at the time she has to switch her alarm off. Three quid she had to pay for a giant deorderant spray. One squirt and it blew her bloody arm off! And they all expect money from me. And the Vicar said, "Oh, I see. You support your relatives. "What a generous thing to do." I said, "That's not the point, my friend. "I don't give anything to them... "So I'm sure as heck ain't giving anything to you!" Episode(s) * Jack and Jill Category: Monologues Category: 1975 Monologues